I am depressed. Well, “down” is a better descriptor.
I am frustrated.
Mad, at myself, in a way, I think. Well, mad that my fear to be myself often gets in the way of me honoring who I am time and time again. It is getting pretty old.
Hard to describe actually. I feel more Unfulfilled. Yeah, I am unfulfilled. Dissatisfied.
Getting my head around this state of being is important to me and my soul and heart and healing. Makes it sound ominous. Scary. Creepy. Weird. Yet, true.
I have something to say, to share, or so I think, believe. I want to inspire and heal: inspire you, the reader, and heal me through my creative expressions. And I hope people, like you, want to read and listen and watch the media I put forth.
Yet; I am not true to myself. I fall into the same patterns creatively and healing wise, over and over and over again. Get’s tiring. Frustrating. Lonely. And my soul and heart know it is so and my mind is calling my heart and soul out. So, I feel sad, depressed. Unsatisfied. Not healed. Lost.
The sappier and more sugar coated, filled with rainbows and unicorns my posts, videos and podcasts get the more disgusted with myself I become. That is not me. Why did I post that? What the hell and I thinking? Too “common.” Not enough catharsis. Not enough emotion. Not enough grit or pain. Sugar coated Today Show like fodder that only people who have never truly been hurt can relate with.
I am bold. Fiery. Outspoken. Candid. Cocky. Yet some of my posts appear too warm and fuzzy, for my tastes, and then I start to think I am a sellout. I loser. Fraud. Disingenuous. Phony. Letting down the people who may need, want and even benefit from my story, perspectives, creativity, innovation.
I get down.
And hate my job. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
This has to stop. Has to stop. Now. But, can I stop it?
I have to be authentic and genuine and transparent. Shit, I tell my clients to do this and if I can’t do it the. I am a depressed, down, frustrated hypocrite.
Time for a change. Time for a change.
Time to be true to myself. Be me. Do me. Trust my talents.
Honest and authentic, no matter what the price.
Hope this time it lasts.